Sex frequency and how many times you should have sex is one of the primary questions any couple will face once their relationship is mature enough
I don’t know any person or any couple that has never talked, worried or complained about how many times they have sex per week, per month or even per year. So what is the correct sex frequency? How many times is enough? Or how many times is maybe too much?
These are questions we all have made to ourselves at some point of our lives, especially when we are married or living together as a couple. When we are single we basically have sex when we have the opportunity and it is never enough it seems like…
I once read a very good phrase to define how many times is the correct sex frequency: “One more time than you think you have had enough, and one less time than when you think it becomes an obligation¨. It’s a very good way to put it, because you should know this:
THERE IS NO STANDARD OR “CORRECT” AMOUNT OF TIMES TO HAVE SEX
The reason is that every person and every couple are completely different to each other, and each person has his or her own personal sexual needs and decides what is enough for him or her.
I am flying back home from Portugal as I write this post listening to Sade, it seems that the heights and her music inspire me every time…
With this post I don’t want to tell you what is the correct sex frequency you should have. I just want to make you think about it, and maybe help to solve any doubts or problems you may have with this issue.
1. Men vs. Women
I want to address this issue first, as it’s an eternal fight and cause for discussion. Women always say: “He never has enough sex” and men respond: “She always avoids to do it”. Yes, this is the typical stereotype, I know, but it seems to be quite accurate most of the time. No one is right or wrong here, we are all just different, and that is great.
Of course there are many exceptions, but in general men need to have more sex than women, and there is a physical reason for it. Men produce semen that they need to release at some point, and that creates unavoidable sexual needs for him. Normally, that is why we also masturbate more frequently than women.
The fact is that we live in a hyper sexualized society full of sexual stimulations with sexual images, adverts, etc. Another fact is that men are more visual and use images to get aroused. On the other hand, women are aroused differently, they prefer to be stimulated mentally (imagination, fantasies) and of course by physical touch, kisses, and feel.
These differences between men and women create some conflicts in many couples, that need to be solved and talked about so they are both satisfied. Because the following statement is very true:
Sex MUST WORK in acoupleif they want to stary togetherfora long period of time
2. How Important Is Sex Frequency Then?
Good question really. And of course it is important, as if you never have sex with your partner, who I assume you love, there is a problem.
I have talked to so many couples that have been married for a while that say: ” If we have sex once a month that is great”…that is 12 times a year! For some of you this may be unbelievable and a reason for divorce or to be unfaithful, and for some others this may be quite normal (even too much maybe!?)
As I mentioned before, all of us are so different and definitely I will not put a number to the times you should have sex per week. It would be stupid and useless. Actually, it could create some stress to people who may think they need to have sex every 2 days to be sexually satisfied.
The only person who knows if you are satisfied with your sex frequency and your sex life is YOU! And YOU decide how much is enough for you and with what you are satisfied.
3. Frequency vs. Quality
This one is very short, and of course sex quality beats sex frequency every time. When we are younger (especially men), we like to brag about how many times we did it last night. We like to think how much of a stud we are (men=idiots in this case).
With time and the decrease in testosterone, we start to appreciate good love making with strong and deep orgasms over fast and not meaningful sex. Just like we start to enjoy a nice glass of good vine over 15 cheap beers…
4. My Partner Has Different Sexual Needs
When we start with a new partner sex is normally great, we are discovering each other, everything is new and we don’t have enough hours in the day to have enough sex, especially in our youth. We want to experience all types of orgasms!
But after several months, this uncontrollable desire starts to fade away. This is very normal and happens to all of us, and this is the point when reality sinks in. This is the point when the real sexual needs of both will flourish, and when problems may arise. If one has a much stronger sexual drive and desire than the other, doubts will come up:
- Does he/she love me?
- Does he/she still like me?
- Am I doing something wrong?
- Am I a poor lover?
- Maybe he/she does not like how I do this or that?
- His/her previous lover was much better!
- Do my foreplay skills suck?
I can go on like this an hour long…If you have this problem, you are not a stranger; it is one of the most common problems for separations, break-ups and unfaithfulness.
5. Tips To Deal With This Problem
I want to share just a few tips that can help you solve the problem when one person has more sexual drive than the other and sex frequency is not correct for one of you. I can write a book on this, these are just a few samples, you imagine the rest.
This is by far the most important factor in any relationship, and the best solution to solve this problem as well. Talk to your partner openly about your sexual needs, orgasm needs, and what you like or dislike. Don’t be afraid, you are speaking from your heart and that is you, the person he or she loves. Have no fear and be very open and clear. Many women would love to receive more oral sex and they are afraid to say it unfortunately.
Know His/Her Sexual Turn-Ons:
You should already know what turns your partner on, and what are his or her fantasies. You can use this knowledge to turn on his or her “spots” when you are in the mood. Try to fulfill all the fantasies he or she has with different variations and situations. This is a great way to keep sex alive and fun.
It is Not Only One Person’s Responsibility
Most of the times, the person with more sexual drive has the “obligation” to always ignite the sexual spark or nothing will happen. This is not fair and it is too much pressure for that person.
Play games, make it fun; for example, each of you is responsible to do something new each week or 2 times a month maybe. Replicate fantasies, find new places to do it, or whatever YOU WANT. This is fun and very helpful, I have done it myself.
Try new types of orgasms and stimulation
One key thing is to try new things. Orgasms like the A-spot orgasm, the G-spot orgasm with female ejaculation, or anal sex are examples of orgasms that most couples never experience. Men are afraid of experiencing male g-spot orgasms, which are a fantastic new sensation that can be very satisfying.
I am aware that sex frequency is a difficult problem. I have faced it myself many times, and it is the cause for many break-ups, separations and unfaithfulness. it’s impossible to analyze this issue deeply in just one post. My goal is to make you think about your sexual life, and the tips help you make it better.
If you really have difficulties overcoming this problem with you partner seek some marriage counseling or professional help. Sex should bond people together and not separate people that love each other.
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